Disclaimer: I have partnered with Lean In Los Angeles for this post but, as always, all thoughts and opinions are my own. This post may contain affiliate links which means, at no cost to you, if you click and purchase, you may contribute a few cents to my coffee addiction. (Thank you! đ )
Confession: Lately I have been really stressed out.
Iâve been so stressed that I ended up getting sick twice in January! My body was telling me to ssslllooowww down. When youâre hustling, you feel like youâre doing SO much. But the moment you get sick or experience burnout, you end up losing so much precious time recovering, that in the end, the turtle actually wins the race.
The universe has a funny way of delivering signs. The day I felt super fatigued, I found an email in my inbox from my favorite womenâs networking group: Lean In Los Angeles. They announced they were hosting a workshop about stress management and self care. Mmmm yes, please! By the way, Lean In is global community created for women to empower one another, founded by Sheryl Sandberg, based on key principles from her book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. If you are a woman and you have not yet found your local chapter, head over to their website and signup (and if youâre in Los Angeles, say hi at a future event!).
On Saturday, February 3, 2018 was the LILA x LUNYA Says Relax event. Anytime a networking opportunity mentions coffee, wine, yoga, Find Your Why, stress management techniques, shopping, raffle prizes⊠and tells you to dress comfortably⊠Iâm there.
The day started off with mingling and networking amongst a diverse set of women who were all coming to learn and meet new people. I was pleasantly surprised when this lady asked me, âYouâre Emily, right?â Turns out we have been following each other for months on Instagram and today was the day we finally met in real life! Iâm always amazed at how connected we are thanks to the internet. But nothing will ever replace the face-to-face interactions… I’m so thankful to walked out of the event with a (few) new friends!
The Majority of the People are Passionate About Helping Others
We had a wonderful workshop led by Kara of Dream. Set. Make. Before she taught us a helpful exercise to find our âWhyâ (our purpose on this planet), she had us go around the room and introduce ourselves. As people introduced their name, their occupation, they also included things they were passionate about and what they thought their why was. It was amazing to hear so many people âwanting to help othersâ and âmake a differenceâ.
Throughout the workshop, a participant raised her hand to say, âI am always readily available to help others but often find it difficult asking others for help. I donât want to feel like a burden.â This seemed to be a common theme as women are often nurturing by nature. Kara made a really great point that during the introductions, we learned there was a room filled with people who want to help others and make a difference.
The takeaway? People feel wonderful being a resource for others and solving other peopleâs challenges. If you think about it, you often feel gratification when someone says, âThank you!â or tells you how much of a help youâve been. Why not let others experience this great feeling by unapologetically asking another person to give you a hand?
People feel wonderful being a resource for others and solving other peopleâs challenges.
Use DEAR MAN to Communicate What You Want
After we scarfed down our nutritious salads, we reconvened for the second workshop led by Dr. Margaret Hunt, a psychologist specializing in therapy including supporting burnout high-performing women. She led us through a few exercises, but one that was new to me was a technique she calls DEAR MAN which is a component of dialectical behavioral therapy.
DEAR MAN is a mnemonic device that provides an outline of how to effectively communicate what you want when facing confrontation. Confrontation never feels good but itâs critically important you share your needs and expectations in an open manner. If you donât address your concerns, more often than not, one or more parties walks away with resentment, guilt, anger, or disappointment.
How to Use DEAR MAN
Note: This exercise is provided by Therapist Aid. Let’s breakdown the acronym so you can see how this effective communication tool is used.
Describe: As clear and concise as possible, share in detail what you want from this other person. Be assertive.
Instead of, âCould you please do the dishes?â say, âCould you do the dishes before going to bed?â
Express: Let them know how this makes you feel while being intentional and mindful of the other personâs feelings. People are not mind readers so speak up.
Instead of, âYou arenât contributing and I feel like youâre lazyâ say, âI feel exhausted because I just cooked, cleaned the bathroom, and worked 8 hours.”
Assert: Be matter of fact on what your request is without being passive aggressive or aggressive. Donât beat around the bush.
Instead of, âOh, well, I donât know if I can do the dishes tonightâ say, âI wonât be able to do the dishes because I need to finish up some emails.â
Reinforce:
When possible, share with them what benefits they will receive if they comply; in other words, give them a clear incentive or reason on why they should take this into serious consideration.
This can be as simple as a âThank youâ and a smile.

Sherna and Shere chatting in the beautiful Lunya space. The clothes look so comfortable and minimalist chic!
Itâs important to keep these in mind when delivering your DEAR message:
Mindful: Remain focused and donât allow the other personâs reactions to derail your initial intent of how you wanted to walk into this meeting.
Act Confident: Ensure you speak with authority and feel confident in what youâre requesting. If you donât come across confident, the other person wonât feel confident in obliging.
Negotiation: Always aim above the bar you want to settle with as often asking people to change might involve negotiating and meeting mid-way. Itâs best to start high and land somewhere with progress. You might say, âIf you wash the dishes, Iâll put them away.â
So how can we use this in a practical real life situation?
Dr. Hunt recommends when you do go through any conversation that requires you stepping out of your comfort zone, you really recite as much as possible. It never comes easy and natural the first time around, so by practicing with someone you trust beforehand is really helpful and will help build the Act Confident component.
Putting it altogether, this conversation might sound like: Honey, could you do the dishes before going to bed? I feel exhausted because I just cooked and cleaned the bathroom. I wonât be able to do them because I need to finish up some emails. Thank you!
Healthy Relationships = Healthy Balance
Itâs really important to practice self love and self care because itâs easy to brush things under the rug. But, remember, when people donât speak up for themselves, they often feel hurt and resentful. Asserting your own needs is essential and by following the DEAR MAN approach, you can ensure youâre speaking effectively while being fair to the other person and yourself.

Say hi to the multi-talented Rachel Busic. Thanks for being an amazing event planner, organizer, bartender, etc. etc. You did an amazing job and this workshop was such a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon!
And if All Else Fails, Treat Yourself to YogaâŠ
Yoga seriously has amazing healing powers for the mind, body, and soul. We were guided by Sweat Yoga and spent an hour stretching out all of the stress and tension in our bodies. It felt wonderful. I definitely need to incorporate more yoga into my weekly schedule as I always feel refreshed and awakened after saying, âNamaste.â
What are your favorite networking events or professional organizations?
These are all such great tips and tricks to decreasing stress all around in your life simply by rethinking how we express ourselves. I’ll have to take these all into consideration in my everyday life.
I’m definitely bookmarking this for the next time I feel I’m not being heard. I like that the DEARMAN approach tells the other person exactly what you want without being rude.
You provided some really useful information to diminishing stresses in life, I really liked that you showed some alternative sentences to use when replying to someone. I learned a lot
These are really great tips. I think everyone that’s in a relationship should print out the list to help with their relationships out.
I really like the dear man acronym. It looks like you had a very busy month.
Wow, awesome tips. Such amazing content!
Since stress is a function of two forces in opposition, we can reduce stress by changing the oppositional forces, or by changing our perspective on them.